Pondering The Enigma Of Wayne Rooney

The title of this page uses the word enigma, but only because it's hard to find a single word to fully describe the implausible mystery of Wayne Rooney's vinegar curdling ugliness.  Even his name is ugly, such a high proportion of letters from near the end of the alphabet is just wrong.  And that tattoo.  Sweet Jesus.

Wayne Rooney is so common that he has reached a level of commonness that is ironically quite hard to find.  If he wasn't a footballer, what would he be?  Probably something involving lard, or moving stuff.  A lard removal man possibly.

Coleen Rooney, what the fuck is her story?  Yes, she's also as common as pavement turds, but she's a looker, so why did she marry rich footballer Wayne?  For his looks?  No, his looks are worse than waterboarding.  Imagine waking up to that every day.  Coleen probably spends each and every morning confessing to 9/11.

Anyway, why they married, or why she took it upon herself to commit terrorist atrocities is not the point, the point is she should fuck off.  Fuck off with her TV programme.  Why does she have a TV programme?  Fuck off.  Some people think she's a role model for young women – what the fuck is wrong with the world?  Her style products and style expertise?  Fuck off, really.  If she's such a style expert why the fuck is she married to a hairy potato?


Normally looking at a photo of Wayne Rooney can be pretty disgusting, but in this collage from the Mirror it looks like Wayne Rooney is somehow trying to fuck a picture of Wayne Rooney.  And that face on the left, is that the cum-face that a style icon wants to see looming over her?  No, not even Nani would endure that face for sex.

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