Official Statement from Mavis Davis

Official Statement from Mavis Davis

Many of you will be aware that I love a good mass.  Not only that, but I love spouting my opinion, making unfair fun of others and generally slagging people unnecessarily, as the 500+ pages of this website will testify.

However, it turns out that I too am a ballbag.

Over the last few years a young priest, Father Frank, has presided over my local parish. When he first arrived we were all heartened by his friendliness, his good manners, and his all-round loveliness.

After a few months I found myself going to more and more masses, even more than usual, because I was just enjoying Father Frank's masses so much - so young, so passionate about mass.  However, it soon got to the stage where masses just weren't enough.  I wanted to see more of Father Frank so I helped him set up an appeal for a new roof on the chapel.  I encouraged friends of mine to donate unusually large amounts of money to the chapel roof appeal – unusually – but not illegally large, mind you.

Father Frank was so grateful that he gave me a no questions asked cash kickback.  He also started giving me one-on-one masses.  I loved it.  It all started perfectly innocently, we went for picnics and had masses, we went for walks and had masses, we drove out into the countryside and had masses – I even sneaked him into my house for quick masses while everyone else was out.  But one thing lead to another and during a particularly rousing mass, Father Frank and I caved to our burning lust and made dirty, whorish sex.

The sex continued for a time; in the confession box, behind the altar, in freshly dug graves, anywhere and everywhere.  However one day Father Frank told me that God was making his testicles sore as a punishment, so he wanted to end it.  What a cunt.

I asked him to kindly give me all the donations that I had raised for his chapel roof fund.  He was a bit slow about it, but eventually he gave most of it back, although he did have to sell half the chapel to a Protestant pastor.

Unfortunately (for me) it turns out that some of this might be about to go public, so I would like to take this opportunity to state how sorry I am about it all.  It was totally out of character, and given all the ballbaggy things I have said about others over the years on this website, I am going to look a little foolish, therefore I am sorry.

However in my defence, experts have told me that there is a high chance that it was the altar wine that made me do all those naughty, naughty things – one sip and I could no longer tell right from wrong.

Luckily, I have a ladyfriend from Fermanagh who knows a shrink that can prescribe tablets to make you stop riding and defrauding, so a binge on these for a period of up to six weeks and I'll be as normal as the holy trinity again.