New Olympic Events For China
The Peking Olympics started this week. There's quite a lot of talk around whether China has a
good enough human rights record to host them, and there's even more talk of whether Colin Jackson and
Roger Black will get it on, live on TV. Of course the Olympics are about one overarching theme
that makes these trivial issues pale into insignificance - getting away with cheating. It’s a shame
Dwayne Chambers couldn’t take part.
For the Peking games a whole range of new games have been introduced, mainly so China can whup the ass of
the rest of the world. For you fat losers who will pretend to know all about every sport by reading
the "idiots guide" that will accompany every single paper for the next month, we've got together a brief
list of the new games:
- Chinese Water Torture – Michelle Smith will spend ages moaning to each competitor about how she's not a cheating bitch, who won the heart of each and every Irish man and woman, only to shit all over them.
- Chinese Finger Cuffs – Journalists try to write freely, with Chinese issue leadless pencils.
- Bull In A China Shop – Bulls from all over the world will compete in a race through many shops, however, the international competitors have no chance against specially bred, smog-proof bulls that the Chinese have taken from their mother cows to train from a young age
- Chinese Whispers – Athletes will start a rumour and spread it along. Be careful though, the party is listening.
- Chinese Fire Drill – Instead of cars the competitors use a tank.
- Chinese Chequers – Where all the marbles are shared, so everyone's a winner, except the capitalists.
- Chinese Democracy – This event takes over 15 years to complete, is sure to disappoint and only has one entrant, Axl Rose.
Sadly one game has not made it in as a full sport, but we can confirm that
it will be allowed as a demonstration event - Demonstrating in Tiananmen Square.
If you would like to take part, email
deportation-dept@randomshite.co.uk
