Graham Poll Lays Down The Law

Poll There’s been lots of Euro-fun at the Euro 2008 football, especially some Euro-referee fun like this. Sadly (or happily if you're European) like England, Graham “3 yellows” Poll is not at the championship this time. Of course that doesn’t mean he can’t have an opinion on every fucking decision that will be made. In fact his favourite paper, the Daily Mail, recently printed his attitudes on incident interpretations and new rules he wants to see introduced.

Handball by a defender in the box - Well, now this is a tricky question for many ref's, but its quite simple, I look at the player who has handled the ball, if his hair comes over his ears by MORE that a quarter of an inch he is probably a hippy, lefty, commie and homosexual, and as such I would send him off, and probably kick him on his way.
If a player goes in two-footed with a bad tackle he will not be booked if he is wearing p roper black coloured boots. If they’re white – he’s off.
If a player’s pants are shown at any point before, during or after a game, it’s a straight red. Poll has been known to spend time spying on the players in their changing rooms to help “stamp out such frivolity”.
Teams should be limited to two foreign players per team, and both of them should have good English. Home grown players with fancy names will count as half a foreigner.
At the start of the game a coin is tossed to choose who kicks off. Any team captain that chooses heads is immediately sent off for suggesting that the Queen should be on her back, the lout.
Players must wear long-sleeved shirts if they have tattoos on their arms, especially those of the Chinese translation variety.
Graham wants to ban players from walking around before matches listening to music on their headphones. It is bad mannered and also it’s usually that distasteful hop-hip nonsense that causes the crime we’ve been hearing so much about.
East Germany and the Russians are automatically deducted 4 goals, the Italians are deducted 3, and the French are awarded 2 goals if they actually have the balls to make it on to the pitch. The USA can only field a team during the second half.

If you want Graham to sort out a footballing problem,
or even single mothers or immigrants, email
touch-my-poll@randomshite.co.uk