Fashion Tips
We've been about for donkeys. We've seen Presidents and Prime Ministers come and go. We've seen natural disasters, and
Sadie even caused one. Over all this time we've been at the forefront of all the cool fashion movements, from Bob in a top hat,
to Mavis's frilly knickers.
Yet recently, we've found ourselves out of touch, and while Bob did spend a Saturday outside Belfast city hall with all the posh goths,
it was more by accident, as she passed out there after downing a bottle of tequila in Thompsons.
But, as ever we're gonna give modern fashion trends a lash, so here's our guide to what to wear this season:
Ties
We know a fashion cycle when we see one, they were normal, now they've been skinny for just long enough, so we're calling it now, first, right here
on Random Shite – big huge kipper ties are back!
Proper Trousers
No more of this skinny-blood constricting malarkey, no, no, from here on trousers must have air between the material and your leg.
Shoes
In recent years the biggest strain on the health service has been in toe operations, whether it is from toes being crushed by inadequate
protection, or frost bite setting in because of the lack of warmth provided by the evil that is the baseball boot.
Super Doctors predict that if this menace is not stopped children in the future will be born with no toes at all. And
antlers. And probably a USB port.
Jumper Shirts
Listen dudes, buying a jumper with a shirt collar sewn in is not big and not clever. It's the first step on the slippery slope to jumpers
with shirt collars sewn in with a tie sewn in, and before you know it we'll all be fucking hookers with condoms sewn in, and none of wants either
of those.
Compo Hats
They don’t make hats like they used to. Well, they probably make them better, but if you've had a hat in your family for generations,
you should wear it, and not worry too much about looking like a homeless dude. After all, Shackleton wore one and he was knee deep in
the ladies, well, actually there were no women, but that dude from the young Sherlock Holmes must have fancied him.
Ban Those Stupid Neckerchief Things
You're not a cowboy and you're probably not Russell Brand, so stop fucking pretending you are with a neckerchief, or at least go all out with
boots and a hat and a horse. If you're worried about baring your neck to the world, buy a real scarf, or wear something else, let’s say a
pair or Speedos.
Appropriate Glovewear
In this modern world of folks begloved with North Face products that should really only be used above 20 thousand feet, or worse, gaudy mittens
that should only be worn by clowns, the majesty of the all purpose black leather murder-glove has become a lost treasure.
What if you suddenly have to murder your wife like a Columbo criminal? Those big Alpine hand-duvets are shit for gripping a lampshade, the bitch
will escape! And gaudy fucking mittens won't help you either, there'll be prints and fabric evidence fucking everywhere! Columbo will
be all over your ass, he won't even waste a full episode casually harassing you, and you’ll be locked up before the second ad break. So think on.
If you've got any hot fashion tips email us at
in-the-nip@randomshite.co.uk
