Banking On Success
“Money, Money, Money,” sang ABBA, a catchy chorus yes, but unfortunately none of the verses contains information
about how to get out of a crippling deep recession. So even bringing it up has been somewhat pointless.
With the Krugman Recession© really starting to take grip, the IMF is reporting that the UK has entered a
period of prolonged Credit Body Slam. Yet even now,
Gordon’s Darling Alastair still hasn’t sorted out those bonus guzzling morons in charge of the banks. It
doesn’t take Alan Sugar to figure out how to fire the useless bastards! Get it done Gordo!
By the way, we were sorry to hear the news that due to the recession, Alan has had to go Sugar free. Sad times.
Anyway, if there’s one thing we know about Gordon Brownpants, it’s that he doesn’t know squat about planning ahead
so here’s a list of people he should consider for all the top bank jobs that he will now have to fill.
Banksy
He’s got the name, he also seems to be able to create stuff worth loads of money out of thin air, so he’s
already got quantitative easing sorted! We can’t believe Gordo hasn’t signed him up already!!
Petr Cech
For one reason only, so Gordo can take him into Number 11 and say, “Darling, you can take that to
the bank and call it a Cech.” This will be the single greatest achievement of Gordon’s Premiership
and we strongly advise him to resign immediately after.
Gordon Banks
He has a great record of being able to save stuff. His name will not lead to any confusion whatsoever.
Jesus
Yes, things have gotten that bad.
Johnny Cash
The need for cashflow is paramount to recovery. However, his deceased status, as well as the problem of
customer urination, mean he is an outsider at best.
Nick Leeson
He fucked up once, so he's probably used up all his bad luck, plus Obi-Ewan McGregor will get to play him in
the Hollywood version.
50 Cent
His name alone will strengthen any bank’s balance sheet considerably. Plus his use of “hot bitches” and
“hoes” as cashiers is likely to increase bank “lodgements” considerably.
John Tightarse
We aren’t saying we know such a person, but the country should definitely be scoured for a man named John
Tightarse to run a bank. At the very least, “Operation Tightarse” will bring a sense of togetherness
and common cause that has been sadly lacking of late.
If you’d like to nominate someone to run a bank, email
international-banker@randomshite.co.uk
