A Brief History Of Stairs – By Stephen Hawking

Hello, I’m eminent genius and God of the Universe, Stephen Hawking.  Before I get underway with my brief history of stairs I must warn you to avoid Bill Bryson’s “A Short History Of Nearly All Stairs”, this is a shoddy, slapdash effort of a monstrosity by a man who knows nothing about anything.  I control time and history Bryson – not you.  Do you have your own flavour of radiation, you cunt?  No, didn’t fucking think so, so shut your fucking mouth.

Now, let me continue.

Stairs, I’m not a big fan of them.  I don’t know why, but some things a man just cannot abide, it’s just the way of the Universe (my Universe Bryson).  Erstwhile Teáshuck, Bertie Ahern, recently came a cropper on some stairs.  It has been suggested he was drunk and thought he saw a brown envelope at the bottom, thus falling on his hoop in a rush to grab it.  Whilst possible, I imagine a transient black hole to be a more likely cause.  Yes I’m talking about Offaly.

The stair was first invented in the Stone Age by a man.  He crafted the first stair from stone, it was a proud day, and in fact he was so happy he didn’t club his wife that night.  Soon the wonders of the stair was spreading throughout the world, but not like wildfire, as fire had not yet been invented.

Soon came the Bronze Age and stair technology moved on, but man did not make new stairs out of bronze – do you know how much fucking hassle it took to make bronze?  Probably not, and neither does Bill Bryson.

By the 21st century – yes time moved fast, but it’s all relative Bill – the stairs phenomenon has spread wider and further than Stephen Nolan’s buttocks.  Stairs have become almost as ubiquitous as porn, but not nearly as good.  Especially the East European stuff I’ve managed to get my hands on.  Who needs stairs when you’ve got porn like this?

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