10 Lords A-Leaping, 10 Lessons Learnt From The Learned Lords
The House of Lords. The bastion of British democratic accountability... before they changed the meaning of all
those words... where the men dress up in dead animals, and women are only allowed in if they kill a homeless person
with their bare hands.
You've got to love these guys. They've been getting a bit of
stick recently because some of them have
had to go out and get other jobs, because the family funds have been crippled by the Krugman Recession©. Some
people think that this has compromised them in their very important work of rubber-stamping the work of the elected
representatives at the children's table. Not at all – and here are 10 reasons why the Lords are better than the Lord:
- Jeffrey Archer - The greatest lord of them all, whether it's committing perjury, banging prossies, neutering rabbits, running 100m or writing top notch novels, you can never believe a word he says. He's never even tried archery!
- Conrad Black - The criminal Lord. With name like Conrad Black, how could he be anything else? Guilty of fraud and possibly even putting cat pee in people’s tea, Lord Black has been allowed to remain Lord Black. Brilliant.
- They get to sleep on the job, in a whole room full of people watching, while being broadcast to the nation on TV, and yet nobody seems to care a fuck!
- Lords get to have really cool names, there's Baroness Blood, Lord Plumb, Lord Tugendhat, Lord Oakeshott of Seagrove Bay, Lord Sheikh (Greedy bastard), maybe not Lord Flowers, that’s a bit fruity, but best of all Screaming Lord Sutch. Fuck you, he was a real lord.
- The Lords have everything so under control, they even have time to ask, what may seem on the surface as frivolous time-wasting questions, but they cut to the real heart of democracy!! And Lord George-Clooney’s wallet.
- Lordi - The Norwegian nightmare nonces were actually a band from the House of Lords, but they weren’t in masks, they were actually hereditary peers who were so inbred that they naturally look like Ann Widdecome’s shit.
- The Lord’s Day - Despite being considered by many to be a day of God, Sunday is actually the day when Lords are legally allowed to slap their servants about. Bob knows this all too well given that she now works for Lord Mandelson of Resignationton.
- Points 8 & 9 cannot be released as they are classified under the 30 year rule, call back in 30 years to find out what they get up to in the tea room with the scones.
- The Lord of the Dance – Now let’s be fair here, that was all Flatley’s doing, nothing to do their Lordships. In the good old days, he would have been put in stocks and had his odious feet gnashed off by several unfed hounds. Damn you New Labour!!
If you want to know what Mandy keeps under his robes, email
ooh-lordy@randomshite.co.uk
